Thursday, December 20, 2007

Our Celebrities, Our Celebrity Cheese™

The more corrupt our country gets
the more we love Our Celebrities —
their jobs, their haircuts,
their money.
One year is as another,
and it becomes hard to remember
even the death of one’s own mother
when Nicole Kidman’s Botox issues
stand firmly in the way.

Let's face it: we hate our fat people,
but we love Our Celebrities.
Posh Spice's love life
is more on our daughters' minds than dolls are,
and every damn day
Brangelina dies a little for our sins.
Yea, though I be surrounded by despair,
I shall not let it engulf me,
for you shall take my sufferings from me,
George Clooney.
The darkest and harshest of life’s events
are simply mysteries of gentle benevolence.
Hasn’t Christina Aguilera ministered to this?

When Our Celebrities heard that England
was at the bottom of the European Tree League
they sprung into action with five thousand pounds
of nutrient-rich goo sealed in lard
and swirling with bacteria.
That’s how Celebrity Cheese™ was created.
Celebrity Cheese™ has become the most important
of all celebrity cheeses
in the post-Diana celebrity cheese-making genre.
Celebrity Cheese™ is milk's leap towards immortality.
And somewhere in the world today
lives a Celebrity Cheese Child™
who will change everything.

Our Celebrities are regularly asked,
"Do you make and eat your own cheese?"
Whitney Houston, for example,
packages and finishes her own cheese logs.
And Robin Gibb wants Bulgarian sheep milk cheese
in his dressing room on the day of his concert.

What cheeses would you like to see
in Celebrity Cheese™?
What cheeses would you like to see
in Celebrity Cheese Deathmatch™?

Today I got calls from David Bowie,
Melanie Griffith
and Celebrity Cheese™.
Whose do you think I answered first?

With their basic human themes,
Our Celebrities are one of our most powerful
and personal ways of working out
what we feel about celebrity.
And cheese.

So let's cozy up in celebrity style,
in love with every living being in the universe.
Let's take a good look at Alec Baldwin's chart
to better understand why he would mouth off at his kid.
Yes, there is a lot wrong with this picture.
But I think you'll understand that if I suddenly slip into
my dirty ballerina flats and stained sweater
it's only because I love Jennifer Garner.
I love her and Victor Garber.
I love her and Ben Affleck together.

What is my message?
That we are living in The Great Celebrity Days,
and let’s hold ourselves to that power which gathers
on the celebrity side of transcendence.
Let's drink our fill of love ‘til morning.
Let's gorge ourselves on terrible perfect apples.
And let's accessorize!
Because the ability to accessorize
is what separates us from non-celebrities.
And cheese.