Atomic Bitch Wax
A play starring the Olsen Twins
Setting: a bench in Washington Square Park
Mary Kate: All my heroes are dope fiends.
Ashley: I wish I were Ronald McDonald and weighed three hundred pounds. Then I would rape you.
Mary Kate: I don't believe it is possible for impaired people to rape.
Ashley: Why not? George W. Bush just broke into our backyard and raped our favorite kitty.
Mary Kate: Maybe if we raped him back he'd give it up and stand up for something important. I think the Olsen Twins should sing to him about love and freedom.
Ashley: And small nude art boys raping big nude patriot cheerleaders.
Mary Kate: I love the 50 daily effects of white privilege. Native Americans don't bitch about how the Olsen Twins raped and pillaged their people.
Ashley: No, they love forced feminization
Mary Kate: Remember when we lived in the underground tunnel to the official Olsen twins biography that contained photos from the whole Olsen family?
Ashley: That's where you unleashed your warrior ass tits of torture!
Mary Kate: Location?
Mary Kate and Ashley: Inside your momma!
Ashley: I like it when the cleaning people don't actually move the vacuum. That's when you know they're FBI thugs.
Mary Kate: Wow, I'd hate to see Bill O'Reilly have to face that alone.
Ashley: I hate him for making me be born white.
Mary Kate: I hate Scott Baio. He has no love for me at all. That's fine. I don't blame him really. We were never friends and I threatened his baby. I'd hate me too.
Ashley: Usually, I’m all like, “Don’t you fucking look at me.” 'Cause I hate people who look at me.
Mary Kate: I hate that Paypal doesn't want slain soldiers' families to receive aid.
Ashley: I hate Mexicans who hate Paypal.
Mary Kate: Mexicans hate eeeevvvverrryboooody! THEY FUCK OUR BEST LOOKING WOMEN, PLAY THEIR CRAP SHIT OVER ROCK OR COUNTRY and then mime over the credits of "Charles in Charge."
Ashley: Which ethnic group does Scott Baio hate?
Mary Kate: I would love to go total Amistad slave ship cartoon toilet Olsen Twins on his ass.
Ashley: What do you love about Amsterdam?
Mary Kate: The architecture, riding round on a bike, local women on bikes (I love the bikes), and balding, elfin-eared Francois, who enters a hooker in a window.
Ashley: Do you know why pirates love parrots?
Mary Kate: Do you know why you love God? Do you think often of God? Do you think much of him? Do you love to think of God? And when you do think of him, is it with delight, or with dread?
Ashley: Needless to say, once I was able to help a sista make a new friend my DREAD turned into DELIGHT. And yes I missed church. Or did I ... ?
Mary Kate: What do you think of my atomic bitch wax?
Ashley: I'm in love with your atomic bitch wax. I'm gonna marry it. It's probably legal now. It seems to me that you have all the bases covered. I mean come on, is there anything else you could really offer past the Emergency Atomic Bitch Wax Removal Kit?
Mary Kate: You are a fucking fat former model trying desperately to be the replacement for fatness.
Ashley: Hey, I hate Tyra!
Mary Kate: I hate having to hit a tee shot linearly over a cart path. The world is not all big greens, but big and small, huge and tiny. ...
Ashley: I would like to rape her, though.
Mary Kate: Me too.
(from Annoying Diabetic Bitch, forthcoming from Combo Books, fall 2007).
Setting: a bench in Washington Square Park
Mary Kate: All my heroes are dope fiends.
Ashley: I wish I were Ronald McDonald and weighed three hundred pounds. Then I would rape you.
Mary Kate: I don't believe it is possible for impaired people to rape.
Ashley: Why not? George W. Bush just broke into our backyard and raped our favorite kitty.
Mary Kate: Maybe if we raped him back he'd give it up and stand up for something important. I think the Olsen Twins should sing to him about love and freedom.
Ashley: And small nude art boys raping big nude patriot cheerleaders.
Mary Kate: I love the 50 daily effects of white privilege. Native Americans don't bitch about how the Olsen Twins raped and pillaged their people.
Ashley: No, they love forced feminization
Mary Kate: Remember when we lived in the underground tunnel to the official Olsen twins biography that contained photos from the whole Olsen family?
Ashley: That's where you unleashed your warrior ass tits of torture!
Mary Kate: Location?
Mary Kate and Ashley: Inside your momma!
Ashley: I like it when the cleaning people don't actually move the vacuum. That's when you know they're FBI thugs.
Mary Kate: Wow, I'd hate to see Bill O'Reilly have to face that alone.
Ashley: I hate him for making me be born white.
Mary Kate: I hate Scott Baio. He has no love for me at all. That's fine. I don't blame him really. We were never friends and I threatened his baby. I'd hate me too.
Ashley: Usually, I’m all like, “Don’t you fucking look at me.” 'Cause I hate people who look at me.
Mary Kate: I hate that Paypal doesn't want slain soldiers' families to receive aid.
Ashley: I hate Mexicans who hate Paypal.
Mary Kate: Mexicans hate eeeevvvverrryboooody! THEY FUCK OUR BEST LOOKING WOMEN, PLAY THEIR CRAP SHIT OVER ROCK OR COUNTRY and then mime over the credits of "Charles in Charge."
Ashley: Which ethnic group does Scott Baio hate?
Mary Kate: I would love to go total Amistad slave ship cartoon toilet Olsen Twins on his ass.
Ashley: What do you love about Amsterdam?
Mary Kate: The architecture, riding round on a bike, local women on bikes (I love the bikes), and balding, elfin-eared Francois, who enters a hooker in a window.
Ashley: Do you know why pirates love parrots?
Mary Kate: Do you know why you love God? Do you think often of God? Do you think much of him? Do you love to think of God? And when you do think of him, is it with delight, or with dread?
Ashley: Needless to say, once I was able to help a sista make a new friend my DREAD turned into DELIGHT. And yes I missed church. Or did I ... ?
Mary Kate: What do you think of my atomic bitch wax?
Ashley: I'm in love with your atomic bitch wax. I'm gonna marry it. It's probably legal now. It seems to me that you have all the bases covered. I mean come on, is there anything else you could really offer past the Emergency Atomic Bitch Wax Removal Kit?
Mary Kate: You are a fucking fat former model trying desperately to be the replacement for fatness.
Ashley: Hey, I hate Tyra!
Mary Kate: I hate having to hit a tee shot linearly over a cart path. The world is not all big greens, but big and small, huge and tiny. ...
Ashley: I would like to rape her, though.
Mary Kate: Me too.
(from Annoying Diabetic Bitch, forthcoming from Combo Books, fall 2007).
posted by Sharon Mesmer at 1:57 PM
2 Comments:
Oh My God!!
You're such a bad person. I love you so much.
Actually, you're a really good person. You just have a funny way of showing it:)
I don't think that was the Olsen twins at all. You made that stuff up. Why do pirates like parrots? Oh puleeeeeeze. Can you think of a better pirate fetish? Jesus!
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