My Roast of Nada Gordon (and Nada's Response)
(I roasted Nada Gordon at the party celebrating the release of her fabulous poetry collection, Folly —— which, by the way, is dedicated to ME! —— at the home of James Sherry on Sunday, April 1.)
First of all, I'd like to say -- wow. Just look at all the literati gathered here today. If assholes could fly this place would be an airport.
What can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? Well, I'll start by saying she’s not the woman we’re honoring today. But before I talk about our guest of honor, I’d really like to introduce several people who do admire and revere her. I'd really like to, but there’s no one here like that, so I’ll just talk about her myself.
Nada Gordon ... you know we all admire you. And I think you’re beautiful. And as for smart…well … you are REALLY beautiful. But seriously, I love your face, Nada. Can I borrow it for a few weeks? ‘Cause my ass is going on vacation. And you’ve got some style, too. What a great, eclectic style you have. Who picks your clothes, Nada? The Happy Bollywood Hooker?
But I admire Nada – she doesn't know the meaning of the word “failure.” And that’s not the only word she doesn't know the meaning of. But don’t worry, Nada. Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing. With most people, the left side of your brain does some things, and the right side does others. In Nada's case, however, neither side seems to do a whole lot.
But seriously, I don’t think Nada is stupid, or a bad poet. But what’s my opinion compared to thousands of others? You all probably think I met Nada on the poetry scene, but I actually met her at a pagan ritual. A lot of you probably don’t know this but Nada worships nature. In spite of what it did to her.
After hearing this, you people may not think Nada and I are actually good friends. But we really are. There’s nothing I wouldn’t say to her face. Both of ‘em.
Seriously, one thing I really do admire about Nada is her sensual nature. She is a beautiful, sensous woman. Did you all know Nada recently failed her driver’s test? She couldn’t get identify the front seat. But I love Nada’s always been a swinger. Did you all know she sleeps standing up, so the implants won’t move? Right now, Gary’s mad ‘cause Nada cut him down to once a month. But he’s lucky -- I know two guys she cut off completely.
But despite her reptuation, Nada never puts on airs. Shit, after all the eating she does, she has enough trouble just putting on her pants. But seriously, for a second, a tragic thing happened to Nada recently. She got her belly dancing and Riverdancing classes mixed up and she got kicked out of Riverdancing for using her arms.
But enough about the bad things. What about the good things? One good thing I know for sure is that Nada is a committed poet who knows everything there is to know about poetry. Except how to write it.
Okay, seriously, some people say nasty things about Nada and her poetry. Like, she has so much wonderful poetry in her; too bad it never gets out. Like, her poetry is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. Like, she's a bad poet's idea of a good poet. But I don't feel that way at all. I feel like, when I think of all the poets I most respect and admire in this world, I know Nada is right up there with them. Serving them drinks.
* * * * * * * * *
Nada's response: "You have such wonderful stage presence. For a retard."
First of all, I'd like to say -- wow. Just look at all the literati gathered here today. If assholes could fly this place would be an airport.
What can you say about a woman who is admired, revered, and loved by everyone? Well, I'll start by saying she’s not the woman we’re honoring today. But before I talk about our guest of honor, I’d really like to introduce several people who do admire and revere her. I'd really like to, but there’s no one here like that, so I’ll just talk about her myself.
Nada Gordon ... you know we all admire you. And I think you’re beautiful. And as for smart…well … you are REALLY beautiful. But seriously, I love your face, Nada. Can I borrow it for a few weeks? ‘Cause my ass is going on vacation. And you’ve got some style, too. What a great, eclectic style you have. Who picks your clothes, Nada? The Happy Bollywood Hooker?
But I admire Nada – she doesn't know the meaning of the word “failure.” And that’s not the only word she doesn't know the meaning of. But don’t worry, Nada. Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing. With most people, the left side of your brain does some things, and the right side does others. In Nada's case, however, neither side seems to do a whole lot.
But seriously, I don’t think Nada is stupid, or a bad poet. But what’s my opinion compared to thousands of others? You all probably think I met Nada on the poetry scene, but I actually met her at a pagan ritual. A lot of you probably don’t know this but Nada worships nature. In spite of what it did to her.
After hearing this, you people may not think Nada and I are actually good friends. But we really are. There’s nothing I wouldn’t say to her face. Both of ‘em.
Seriously, one thing I really do admire about Nada is her sensual nature. She is a beautiful, sensous woman. Did you all know Nada recently failed her driver’s test? She couldn’t get identify the front seat. But I love Nada’s always been a swinger. Did you all know she sleeps standing up, so the implants won’t move? Right now, Gary’s mad ‘cause Nada cut him down to once a month. But he’s lucky -- I know two guys she cut off completely.
But despite her reptuation, Nada never puts on airs. Shit, after all the eating she does, she has enough trouble just putting on her pants. But seriously, for a second, a tragic thing happened to Nada recently. She got her belly dancing and Riverdancing classes mixed up and she got kicked out of Riverdancing for using her arms.
But enough about the bad things. What about the good things? One good thing I know for sure is that Nada is a committed poet who knows everything there is to know about poetry. Except how to write it.
Okay, seriously, some people say nasty things about Nada and her poetry. Like, she has so much wonderful poetry in her; too bad it never gets out. Like, her poetry is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good. Like, she's a bad poet's idea of a good poet. But I don't feel that way at all. I feel like, when I think of all the poets I most respect and admire in this world, I know Nada is right up there with them. Serving them drinks.
* * * * * * * * *
Nada's response: "You have such wonderful stage presence. For a retard."
posted by Sharon Mesmer at 1:29 PM
2 Comments:
Sharon:
You're singlehandedly reviving the world's most neglected literary genre. Solid Friar's gold.
R: Thank you, thank you. But oh, if only those lines were original. But Henny probably stole them from somebody else to begin with. Bad roasters borrow ...
x, S
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