Fourteen-Midget Man

for Rod Smith

I rocked out with fourteen midgets throughout my youth,
fourteen midgets, sprites and their bigger brothers,
wormboys, all hairy and screaming.

I can show you how my fourteen midgets
(or sprites)
fit into one of fourteen different cars,
no fewer than fourteen midgets and fourteen Austin Sevens,
all fourteen of them supercharged and dominating.

My fourteen midgets who lived in the desert
went low over the beautiful Sierra Nevadas
with local Reno racers
disguising themselves as meat in order to steal the real meat from the village.
These raids deprived the villagers of necessary protein.
Did my fourteen midgets care?

My fourteen midgets walked into a bar,
all of them wearing matching plains indian costumes.
The horny midget leered (Ted)
The other midget (Gary) sat on the minotaur's bulging crotch, coming.
In the labyrinth, fourteen midgets scampered.

I guess I’m going to hell because some woman dangled
my fourteen midgets from a rack.
And in a ring fight sanctioned by the Cambodian government,
a imported African lion killed my fourteen midgets in 12 minutes.

If you can imagine a fat bald midget
wearing a bright blue sweatsuit,
you are a fourteen-midget man.